Euro 2016 was not the most memorable. Yes, it did have its moments, but as a whole it was quite disappointing. However, we are all students of the game (ooh very deep), and so we have come up with things that we have learnt from France.
1. Adidas performed better than Nike
Our boot battle between Adidas and Nike ended with the conclusion of the European Championships. Adidas came out the victor via a narrow margin, so that settles the age-old debate: Adidas is better than Nike. Of course, our boot battle was highly scientific and is conclusive evidence, at least for the meantime, that those German boots produced the goods when it matters.
2. Joachim Low is a weird one
We don’t need to tell you, the memes and shaming videos speak for themselves. Low, on a number of occasions got caught doing things, ghastly things, while under the alias of a national football team manager. At least, at the very least, do it at home and not in the ‘privacy’ of a football stadium where cameras are more than likely going to be on you for a few minutes each match. What makes it worse is that Low is a serial offender. He, knowing he had been caught once, did it again like some sick game. It is just on Joachim, thank God Germany were out when they were, I’m not sure we could have taken much more of this profanity. Woman and children were visually and audibly weeping.
3. England have even greater capacity than we first thought to disappoint a nation
We expected so, so little. And yet somehow, we still manage to end up disappointed. I’ll be honest with you, I was naïve. I’m fairly young in comparison to the majority of England fans, and thus have not been through the same heartbreak as many. I believed we had a chance this year. I’m now not a believer. Messi and Ronaldo could find English roots, convert over to our nation and I would still have no hope. This is what it has come to. You do not need me to explain how awful it was… And I do not want you to relive it.
4. Ronaldo will be an even better manager than he was a player
Leaving the pitch in tears, knowing the final that was meant to be glorious on a personal note as well as for the team is not the way Cristiano Ronaldo would have wanted the final to turn out. He got plastered up, given a Weetabix and a Lucozade and came back out of the tunnel (returning from the metaphorical dead) a hero. He owned that six yard box, calling the shots and asserting his dominance on the game without even touching the ball.
5. Icelandics are telepathic
Yes, I am talking about the clap. HOOH. They brought their celebration to the Euros and it got a lot of fame. France even tragically adopted it as their own chant. But let’s just think about how incredible it is. They all manage to know, all 330,000 of them, the very millisecond in which they have to clap. As synchronised clapping goes, I haven’t seen anything like it ever before. I regularly can’t predict what day will come next, and these scary super-naturals know when every other single supernatural is going to clap. Truly amazing.
6. The only thing lower than the Russian’s morals is their footballing ability
I’m not claiming that the English are completely innocent in all of this and that they’re all victims. But it was clear that SOME of the Russians had an agenda to come and ‘fight for the country’s honour.’ They attacked families at the end of the day, and seeing as there was practically no trouble after they left, it is pretty clear where the blame lies. It was rather fitting that Russia crashed out of the Euros to a comprehensive Welsh victory. They were shocking on and off the pitch all tournament, and let’s just hope that the 2018 World Cup goes off without any troubles… Which sadly just won’t happen.
7. Football is becoming more exciting
Obviously, at first we had Leicester. Now we have Hungary, Iceland and Slovakia progressing into the last 16 of the Euros (admittedly an easier feat with this new system), as well as Wales reaching the semis! This just reinstates the fact that football is unpredictable and thus more exciting. Few even saw Portugal winning the tournament.
8. Wearing black football boots is blasphemy
I challenge you to find a player who wore black boots at the Euros. If they were black, they were either combined with a plethora of other seizure-inducing colours or you’re colour-blind. Pink, silver, red, orange, yellow and I am sure I saw a cream colour in there at some point. I’m just waiting for the boot revolution. I mean, I’m no Gok Wan, but I do know that fashion has cycles. But where else is there to go from here? You can’t go from all these colours to what, even more colours? THERE ARE NO MORE COLOURS LEFT! So… The black boot will soon come back into fashion, mark my words. And when they do, we will be waiting!
