Look, we know you’ve been thinking it… What would a football nativity scene look like? Who could be the baby Jesus? Who might take the role of Mary? What about the 3 wise men? What gifts would they bring in a football-themed nativity?
As non-religious people, football takes that role in our life. It’s pretty much a religion, isn’t it? We follow football so passionately that it may as well be! Therefore we think we’re pretty well placed to give an idea of how it would look! So read on to see our very own football nativity scene.
The baby Jesus – a football
Football nativity scene – the baby Jesus is a football
This, for us, is an obvious one! How could the baby Jesus be anything other? In our football nativity, Jesus is a football. It is the base of the religion. The key component of what we believe in. Without our football, we would be nothing but egg chasers. Wearing terrible pointy school shoes, ill-fitting chinos and ugly striped polo tops. Only coming out twice a year with our receding hairlines. Drinking Guinness out of each other’s ears. Who would want that? Not us.
Football is the beautiful game. Yes, there are some prima donnas who roll around too much. Yes VAR is tearing the arse out of the enjoyment of the game. But without it, we would be nothing. All hail the newborn baby football.
The Virgin Mary – FIFA
Football nativity scene – the Virgin Mary is FIFA
Yes, we know FIFA didn’t exactly give birth to football. But it’s the 21st century and FIFA is pretty much the owner of football. Therefore they take the place of the Virgin Mary in our football nativity. There is no true origin of football that we know of. It has been played as a past time for many years. Some claiming that it began as far back as the 3rd century when it was part of a fitness regime within the Chinese government! Maybe the FA did give birth to football as we know it. But FIFA is the owner now and therefore has adopted the baby football and taken the place of the Virgin Mary.
Joseph – UEFA
Football nativity scene – Joseph is UEFA
Joseph, as we know, is not Jesus’ actual father. Jesus was immaculately conceived (no sex, poor Joe). So Joseph is really kind of secondary to the nativity. A bit on the side for Mary. Anyway, this makes Joseph UEFA. The less important version of FIFA. Bowing to FIFA’s every command. Not making any decisions but just a carrier for the game of football aka Jesus. The fit is absolutely perfect! A bit like how Platini and Blatter fit nicely inside each other’s arses.
The Three Wise Men – Nike, Adidas, and New Balance
We think you’ll be able to guess what the Three Wise Men are gifting. Football boots of course! But who are the Three Wise Men? The first of the three is Nike. Replacing Melchior and bringing with him the Mercurial Vapor 13 football boots. What could be more apt than our boot of the year replacing the gift of gold? We know which we would choose!
The second wise man is Balthazar, bringing with him Myrrh. That’s how the real version goes. But who wants to be given the gift of embalming oil? Representing death? Not us, we want football boots. So in the football nativity, the second wise man is Adidas and goodness what a gift it is. Adidas brings with him the Nemeziz 19.1 football boots. A boot of beauty and a much better gift than something you cover someone in when they die!
The last of the three wise men is Gaspar bringing frankincense. Not a bad gift, we all love to get a bit of smell on Christmas Day! But there’s something we like more… Yes, you’re not stupid, its football boots! For our football nativity, New Balance replaces Gaspar. And what does New Balance bring? The awesome Furon v5. Worn by one of the best, Sadio Mane. If there is any boot we want New Balance to bring to the party, these are up there.
The Little Donkey – Phil Jones
Football nativity scene – the little donkey is Phil Jones
Sorry Phil. We love your funny faces. But you are our donkey in the footballing nativity. He was probably the donkey in his school nativity plays so will be used to it. Since then Phil Jones has been dubbed the next great Man United captain by none other than Fergie. The prediction turned out to be… Wrong. Yes he still turns out for United every now and then but it’s more out of desperation than anything else. Ok, there may be worse players out there who could’ve been our donkey. But Phil also comes across as a guy who will really give it 100%. And he’s kinda lovable like a donkey should be.
Star in the Night Sky – Roberto Firmino
Football nativity scene – the shining star in the night sky is Roberto Firmino
Every nativity needs a star in the sky! It led the wise men to the baby football and lights up the scene for us. Step forward Roberto Firmino. ‘Why?!’ We hear you ask. Well, have you seen those bloody teeth? Who remembers Fairly Odd Parents? Chip Skylark singing “Shiny teeth that twinkle just like the stars in space”. Makes sense now doesn’t it! Bobby’s teeth are just so bright, we don’t know anyone with brighter whites than him. Those teeth are so bright they could light up a black hole! Those teeth are so bright they could probably sort out Brexit. Those teeth are so white they only ever listen to Mr Brightside. On repeat. Those teeth are so bright they guided the Three Wise football brands to the baby football.
Baby GOATs – Kylian Mbappe and Joao Felix
Football-nativity-scene—the-baby-GOATs-are Kylian Mbappe and Joao Felix
We’re going to be honest, our extensive research hasn’t told us whether the animals in our nativity are lambs (baby sheep) or kids (baby goats). But for the football nativity, they are definitely baby goats. Now if we were doing adult GOATs, we all know who the two faces would be. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo. The two players that are far and away the best players in the world.
But these are baby GOATs so we must consider age. Our first baby GOAT is Kylian Mbappe. Only 20 years old and already a World Cup winner and Golden Boy aka young Ballon D’or. He has even just got his own pair of signature boots from Nike! He is definitely a young GOAT in our books! Just remember, Anderson won the Golden Boy award once and we all know how that turned out!
Our second baby GOAT is this year’s Golden Boy winner Joao Felix. The kid hit the ground running at Atletico and is definitely deserving of this award. What is it about Portugal producing top players recently? First Cristiano with his 5 Ballon D’or wins. Now Felix who is no doubt going to be challenging in the near future.
So here is it, the picture of our football nativity scene. Enjoy it in all of its glory! God bless football, born on Footmas Day!!
Disclaimer; as always we’re not looking to offend. Sorry to anyone religious reading this who might be offended. Please take every word tongue in cheek.
