Football games used to be slightly more intense. Tackles were life-threatening, broken legs were mere hindrances and if you didn’t have to pick a few studs out of your head after the game, you obviously weren’t trying hard enough.
Nowadays, with sponsorship deals, Instagram accounts and general appearance to all think about, some matches are more like outdoor fashion shows.
We get that you maybe want to look ‘on-fleek’ for the fans, or maybe just your mate’s fit bird who comes to watch on a Sunday occasionally, but be careful to avoid these fashion pitfalls.
Football boots mistakes you won’t want to make
1. Different coloured laces
Please no, just no. Different coloured boots, yes. But if you have white boots, please ensure you wear white laces. Nothing is going to say Sunday league d*** more than a player with black Nike boots and pink and yellow laces.
2. Boots with more than three colours
‘Rule of three’ can be applied to many situations in football. Don’t score more than three goals in a match or you’ll seem like you’re taking the piss. Don’t let the tricky winger nutmeg you more than three times without delivering a two-footed challenge to his head (*we do not condone nor promote any violence, please play nice). And don’t wear boots that are anything more than tri-coloured! One colour looks slick and maybe slightly boring. Two gives your boots a good contrast. Three and you look flashy. But any more, and you risk people suffering an epileptic fit.
3. Ankle tape any other colour than white or black
We’re really not buying into this ankle-tape malarkey. We maintain our theory that it was invented by the Illuminati as a way to exploit footballers financially, but that’s just us. If you are, however, going to use these modern-day monstrosities, black or white are the only options. If you see anybody wearing pink, yellow, red or any other tape colour, just politely tell them to leave and never return to a football pitch ever again.
4. Non-matching boots
Mario Balotelli, among others, have criminally chosen before to sport two DIFFERENT boots. These kinds of people are among the worst in the footballing world; up there with players who celebrate tap-ins by sprinting the length of the pitch and dabbing, and those who go to the corner flag in the last minute when they’re 6-0 up. Unless you’re Ronaldo or Messi, and can justify this absurdity, you are setting yourself up to look like an absolute muppet.
5. Personalised player boots
By all means, wear the CR7s or the Pogbooms. But don’t be the guy who turns up to matches with ‘Smithy 9’ printed across the heel. Paul Pogba can get away with it, Big Dave from Scunthorpe cannot.
6. Anything brighter than the sun
We understand now that these colourful boots are as much a part of the game now as a football itself, but be reasonable. Bright boots are restricted to quick and/or pacey wingers and possibly, at a stretch very good strikers. Even then, though, nothing that’s going to blind the opposition, or you will be targeted and find yourself on the wrong end of a high tackle or two.
7. Old school
Old-school things are that old and unfashionable, that they become a fashion in themselves and thus have the potential to become cool and unique. So by all means, wear old school boots, as long as it is in an ironic, I-know-that-they-are-old-and-crap-but-I-am-good-so-I-pull-it-off-and-in-the-process-it-makes-me-look-like-even-more-of-a-gangster way. If you just have old boots and wear them because you have no alternative and aren’t that great at football, be prepared for some justified and hurtful abuse; changing rooms on a Sunday morning can be a savage place.
Check out our Football Boots Reviews to grab yourself a new pair!
