The UEFA Euro 2016 boot battle: Day 16

Today was the last day of the last 16. England faced Iceland in the late kick-off with Italy playing Spain before. Sergio Ramos, Andres Iniesta, Joe Hart and Deli Alli all featured in the boot battle today.

David De Gea pulled off a worldie of a save in the opening ten minutes from a great header by Graziano Pelle. The Spaniard was in amazing form as always, and saved from Eder soon after, but could not prevent Giorgio Chiellini from firing the rebound into the net.

Into the second half, Spain’s Alvaro Morata had the first chance, but his tame header only found Gianluigi Buffon. Eder squandered a great chance when he was one-on-one, with his shot producing a great save out of De Gea.

Andres Iniesta, Gerard Pique and Aritz Aduriz both had efforts that went close. Then, in the final minutes of the match Pelle was clinical in the box and sealed the win for the Italians by finishing passed De Gea.

Sergio Ramos loses two points for Nike and Iniesta gets nothing.

Onto the England game… Not because we want to but because we have to. Joe Hart featured in goal, and by featured I mean stood there and watched the game, only moving to allow Iceland to score. Deli Alli also featured for Adidas. 

England started well, with Raheem Sterling beating the Icelandic keeper Hannes Halldorsson to the ball and winning a penalty. It was dispatched with ease by Wayne Rooney to give England a fourth minute lead… Easy win from here now surely.

Before we could finish calculating how many we were going to win by, Iceland equalised through Ragnar Sigurdsson, who took advantage of some Sunday league defending and finished into the net. Just ten minutes later, Iceland took the lead through Joe Ha… oh wait no it was Kolbeinn Sigthorsson with the shot. We’re not exaggerating when we say this was probably the slowest shot ever, EVER, in the entire history of football.

Half-time: 0-0. Oh well not to worry, I mean this is a nation with a population of 330,000, whose manager is a dentist.

60 minutes: 0-0. Oh well not to worry, we have a team full of professionals on £3,493,958 per week who care and are passionate about their country.

75 minutes: 0-0. Oh well not to worry, we have still got this. Rooney, Kane, Vardy. These players are world-class. No way are we not at least equalising.

90 minutes: 0-0. Worry, completely worry. This is Iceland. A nation with a population of 330,000, whose manager is a dentist. We have a team full of professionals on £3,493,958 per week. We have Rooney, Kane and Vardy. Surely we are equalising.

Full-time: 0-0. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUDGE HAS JUST HAPPENED?

Five minutes after full-time: calling parents and grandparents praying for some foreign heritage.

Twenty minutes after full-time: after realising I’m fully English, it is pints O’clock.

No need to describe that second half to you, you know how abysmal it was. Even if you didn’t see it, we couldn’t write much not too much happened.

Hart loses five points for his diabolical performance, all tournament (he saved one shot… ONE), the two goals he conceded and his shocking ‘save’ and his diabolical performance… Yes it was that diabolical. Alli also loses a point for his shocker.

Adidas

Alli -1

Nike

Ramos -2

Iniesta 0

Hart -5

Overall score

Adidas 25-8 Nike

Euro 2016 quarter-finals matches

Poland v Portugal

Wales v Belgium

Germany v Italy

France v Iceland

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