Sometimes you look at things, and you can instantly tell it looks wrong. Frank Lampard in a Man City shirt. Millevoivic missing a penalty. Spurs lifting a trophy. All of these instantly stand out to any football fan as being out of the ordinary.
We mention this because there’s a YouTube channel that is seriously underperforming. When looking at the sub count it doesn’t display six, seven or even eight figures. Instead, the immense efforts of a content creator in his prime, one of the best that the UK has surely ever been fortuitous enough to witness, have gone criminally under the radar. I’m talking, of course, about Robbie Knox.
Our aim is to promote what’s good in the world – it just so happens that most of that is centred around football boots. But we felt it a must to pay homage to this genius, someone who truly may never come around again. So, we’ve put together an article he’d be proud of.
In the masterpiece above, Knox has rated the months of the year. It’s edgy, it’s out there, it’s truly something nobody has ever done before and he’s clearly not held back from avoiding controversy. And we thought we’d do the same thing but with football. So, in a top-12 listicle that nobody, absolutely nobody everybody, absolutely everybody has been waiting for, here’s our attempt at ranking the months of the year in a footballing context – and yes, it has been a slow news week.
The months of the year ranked – inspired by Robbie Knox
12th – November
At the bottom of the proverbial barrel is November. That godforsaken month that brings nothing to our lives in a football sense – or otherwise for that matter.
Firstly, the weather is horrendous. Not winter wonderland-like. Not crisp with a sprinkling of snow that would make the landscape cold but quiet, peaceful and picturesque with a sense of beauty. Just horrendous. It also gets dark at 17:00, so floodlights become a necessity if you’re playing midweek.
In terms of games, the novelty of having the PL back from the summer is long gone. The FA Cup is far off being exciting. And there’s also an international break as well. Halloween has gone, Christmas is still too far away and bonfire night is still pretending it’s on the same level as the other major holidays. Terrible month. Fully deserving of its banishment to the bottom of our rankings.
11th – October
Similarly, this is where things start to decline. Summer is officially no more. Those muppets who say Autumn is their favourite time of the year are waffling this nonsense to try and be edgy. Go make a leaf angel or cloud bathe… oh, that’s right you don’t want to because Autumn is a terrible season.
You might be thinking, “well it might not be a great season but at least there’s some decent football on”. But you’d be wrong. It’s a poor month for football as well. Sure there’s a bit of Champions League, but now that the excitement of European football returning (in September) is over, what does October actually bring us?
Worst of all is that there’s always one team that does exceptionally well, a Bournemouth-type that finds themselves in the top 4, or one of the big clubs going unbeaten. You then get the experts coming out and guaranteeing that the title is there’s already or European qualification is in the bag. It’s not. It never, ever has been in October. Shut up, do not open your mouth again until at least mid-March, if not April, you delusional hype man.
10th – February
League. Cup. Final. The first of those two words is justification enough to have this shocker of the month in 10th place. What does it offer us, the fifth round of the FA Cup? The title race is still not far enough down the line to be exciting. And that’s it. What else is there to say? Not too much else.
9th – January
After the madness that is the Christmas period, January is a bit of a comedown. It’s probably not the same comedown as my mate Briggsy had after he came back from Benicassim Festival, but depressing nonetheless.
An FA Cup double, one at the start and one at the end of the month, is something a little different. Of course, it’s the rounds where the Premier League and Championship sides are added to the comp, yet there’s still a few minnows left in there as well so it’s a good balance that sparks a substantial amount of interest.
8th – July
We don’t always shake hands with every player after matches. On occasion, a stud will be missing from our boots but we won’t accordingly inform the referee. One time, I even stayed in the opposition’s half at kick-off. So yeah, basically, we’re not afraid of breaking rules and going against the grain.
That’s why we’ve put July, a month that sees the World Cup and Euros semi-finals and finals, way down in eighth place when most would surely see it as the height of any footballing season. Why? Because Russia 2018 aside, the month of July usually consists of England fans watching on in awe as proper international teams battle it out for trophies and we’re left trying to find the next hopeless clown who’s going to smash qualification and then completely bottle major tournaments (I still meet people called Roy and get angry).
Russia was good, but let’s be honest we still lost three games in that World Cup. We only just beat Tunisia, smashed Panamanian farmers and scraped past Colombia. Sweden were poor and we didn’t do much against Croatia. Usually, we’ve gone out two rounds before and memories of the tournament are dark and sour.
That is why July is eighth, sorry for the pessimism.
7th – March
March isn’t too bad. After what seems like 18 months of non-stop cold and terrible weather, March offers a small light at the end of the tunnel. It warms up ever so slightly, so you can begin to feel your toes and fingers again and don’t have to pull your long-sleeved football shirts over your fingers (R.I.P those wearing short sleeves).
I’m terms of the football that’s on, the riff-raff has been cleared away from the FA Cup and that goes from a fun cup where minnows play the big boys to a serious trophy that teams want to win.
The European knockout stages also return, which used to mean we got to watch Arsenal get battered by either Bayern or Barca in the last 16 but since their demotion to the Europa, the English sides have done okay.
Just one of many occasions where a battering took place:
6th – April
April is just an intense month. With just one or two matchdays in May, the title is often decided in this month. The Champions League is also at its prime, where you get the Barcas and Bayerns of the world battling it out over two glorious, action-filled legs.
What’s more, pitches become that little bit nicer as the weather warms and the rain is dried out quicker. April is a decent month for football.
5th – September
Everyone is still on a buzz from summer and temperatures remain high. September usually hosts an international break but normally everyone is too buzzing that football is back to notice.
The pinnacle of club football, the Champions League, is also back, meaning after four long summer months without it, we finally get our fix of that anthen: THE CHAMPIONNNNNSSSSSSS.
4th- August
It’s 21:00 on a Friday night. You’ve just returned home from a raucous night at your local bowls club. The sun is setting, displaying a beautiful orange sunset, but it’s warm outside. You’re tired, but good tired. Not the I-have-been-up-since-5am-for-work-tired, but rather the kind of tired where you’ve had a long but great day and are ready to kick back in front of your laptop and watch a bit of Gossip Girl on Netflix. Your eyes begin to shut as your need for rejuvenation overcomes your desire to find out the latest with Serena, Blair and Dan that Netflix show. Just before you drift off into a blissful state of unconsciousness, your final thought is remembering that Premier League football awaits you in the morn… And there may be not greater feeling.
3rd – June
In 50% of football seasons, June sucks. It’s a month where you take up cricket in the hope that it will fill the summer-long football void. But you quickly realise that standing in a field for eight hours on a Saturday just simply isn’t going to cut the mustard.
However, during the other 50% of the seasons, you better believe it’s on. It is party time, and I’m not talking just a Friday night at the bowls club.
June marks the beginning of the Euros and World Cup and it’s a magnificent time. Three matches a day for two weeks straight where absolutely every minute of every game is crucial and could be the difference between success on the biggest stage and being a national disgrace? Um, yes please. Plus (again Russia 2018 aside), the hope and optimism surrounding England’s chances is still high and not been blighted by the likes of Iceland.
The last two weeks is perhaps some of the most tension-filled games you’ll see.
2nd – May
Champions League final. FA Cup final. Culmination of the Premier League Season. Play-offs. That sweet smell of freshly cut grass. This is the most important month in any football season.
Drama is high and supplied on a weekly basis as nine months of gruelling football comes down to who can hold their bottle in May. It’s basically the month where shit gets real and you get famous moments a-la-DEEENEEEYYYYY!
1st – December
Although May might be the most important month, December is certainly the most entertaining. There’s just football everywhere. It’s amazing. Snow is falling outside, it’s bitterly cold but and dark but that just makes it ideal to be sat indoors cosied up on the sofa watching game after game.
The month usually kicks off with a midweek matchday at the start which is a little bonus. We later then get into a football marathon of epic proportions. Games before Christmas and on boxing day. Then in the time between Christmas and New Year, in what would otherwise be a confusing void is simply filled with more football. One year I’m sure there was football on for about 15 days consecutively. December is just an awesome month for football.
What’s your favourite month? Do you agree or disagree with our month ranks? Let us know in the comments or tweet us @footybootsguru
