By most, if not all, accounts, 2016 has been a pretty bad year. Agendas which must have started as practical jokes ended up running on for so long that the UK ended up leaving the EU and the US now has a man in charge who hair is as dodgy as what comes out of his mouth. Thank God we have sport. Sport to pluck us from the seriousness and catastrophic sociological absurdities, and put us in a world where we can just sit with our mates and a couple of pints, and watch a sphere be kicked around a field.
So without further ado, let’s take a look back at what happened in the world of football in 2016…as told through emojis.
Football in 2016 as told through emojis: A year in review
? Surprise – Leicester, Iceland and Wales
Leister city, of course, are the obvious choice. Fuelled only on fags and bottles of WKD, Jamie Vardy broke the consecutive goalscoring record in the league on the way to helping his team secure a monumental victory. You don’t need us to insult your footballing knowledge and bang on about just how big an achievement this was; don’t see anything like this ever happening again though!
Iceland and their heroic fans clapped their way into the quarter-finals of the European Championships in the summer, but maybe more importantly, clapped their way into our hearts – soppy hyperbole intended. After navigating a tricky group, they easily saw off a desperately weak side littered with pathetic excuses of men and knobs from Essex who had no intention of finding a teammate with any set piece… Yes Harry Kane, we are talking about you. They battled bravely against host-nation France but ultimately succumbed to the superior opposition, not before putting themselves firmly on the international football map.
Shout out to the Welsh as well. Iceland’s heroics somewhat overshadowed Wales’ achievement of going one further and reaching the semis. They came from absolutely nowhere to qualify for the tournament, and fully made the most of it while they were there.
? Money bags – Man United, Newcastle and Carlos Tevez
Man United tried earning an honest living by not simply buying trophies. Just like most criminals trying to integrate back into regular, law-abiding society, they didn’t last too long. In fairness, they lasted a long time, especially with the likes of Louis “My philosophy doesn’t work” Van Gaal and David “Petrified of winning” Moyes at the helm. But now, they have truly brought in the big guns, and with it have shot the bank to pieces. Mourinho has been brought in, and the Portuguese wasted no time in delving deeply into the club’s pockets, to spend fortunes on the likes of Pogba.
Newcastle get the money bags for a similar reason, albeit on a smaller scale. Still, for a Championship side, their expenditure is pretty astronomical. They brought in an array of high-calibre players including Andros Townsend, Dwight Gale and Jonjo Shelvey, not to mention Real Madrid’s ex-manager Rafa Benitez, who will be on a solid wage.
We had to also include Tevez in there because the jammy fella has only gone and got a slight pay rise. He has recently moved to China, yes China, that great footballing nation known for its top quality players, worldwide-known club superbrands and notorious in the international game. The fact that he is getting paid £615,000 per week (equates to £1 per second!) has absolutely nothing to do with it I am sure.
? Angry – England, Kane, England, Hodgson and England.
The more diligent among you may see a theme among the suggestions for this emoji. As much as we would like to forget, England put in… You know what, there aren’t enough expletives to sufficiently describe the entire team’s performance. Hodgson has absolutely blagged a living for the past two years, and then, to top it all off after letting the country down YET AGAIN, he comes out with a weak and dismal “apology” to the fans. Kane, useless. Rooney, useless. Hodgson, useless. The kit man, useless. All useless. Oh well, I am not even bothered.
? Thumbs up – Ronaldo, Jordan Henderson and Granit Xhaka
Ronaldo has had a pretty good year. Recently, he won the Balon D’Or again, and the accolades and records have just been drawn to him this year. He won the Champions League with Real after beating their City rivals Atletico Madrid at the San Siro, and also coached his country to the Euro Championship trophy after coming off injured in the first half. There is not much left for him in 2017, I mean what else is there left to do? No illustrious World Cup title on his C.V, but that is not till 2018, so we feel he should just chill next year, play a bit of golf and do the real business the following year.
Also getting the thumbs up are Jordan Henderson and Granit Xhaka for scoring arguably the goals of the season thus far against Chelsea and Hull respectively.
Videos of these belter goals:
? Bottle – Tottenham
I am not trying to take away from Leicester’s magnificent feat last season, but let’s be honest, they took advantage of an abnormal situation, an anomaly season. Chelsea were preoccupied getting screwed over by Mourinho, United were preoccupied making everyone else laugh on a weekly basis, Arsenal did an Arsenal and didn’t really ever mount a substantial challenge, and we are not really too sure what happened to City to be honest.
But the point is, Spurs were the only challenge to Leicester, and they have a much better squad and were playing the best football in the league. In the end, though, they bottled it. They have been mocked ever since for finishing third in a two-horse race, and quite right too. They bottled it completely last season.
? Gritting teeth – Alan Pardew
Drunk uncle at a wedding, that is, I think, the most fitting way to describe what my eyes had to witness on May 21st. Jason Puncheon just fired Pardew’s Palace into a 78th minute lead at Wembley in the FA Cup final. Yes, okay, that is cause for jubilant celebration, but there is still 12 minutes left to play, you haven’t won a thing. And yet, Pardew seemingly wanted to be turned into a meme, and performed some horrific, disgraceful dance.
Maybe it wasn’t even a dance, more like a summoning ritual of some sort. Anyway, United scored three minutes later and then went onto win it in extra-time. So what is the moral of the story? Pardew is a bit of a pillock. Incidentally, he was sacked from his job at Selhurst Park recently. Palace have been out of form, but I think we all know the real reason he was sacked… Only haters would say it is not because of that dance.
Video here: WARNING, CONTAINS GRAPHIC AND CONCERNING MATERIAL.
? Tear – Gerrard and Chapecoense
Gerrard, a legend of the game, retired earlier on this year. It was a sad day for football, as he truly was a rare breed of player, spending his entire career (minus a final-bow season in the MLS) at one club and not entirely infatuated by money… Having rejected lucrative offers throughout his time at Liverpool.
We don’t want to dwell on the Chapecoense disaster, everyone knows the heartbreaking story. A terrible incident showed us all that there is more to football than just winning, but the way the footballing world came together was exceptionally admirable.
? Monkey eyes – Dortmund and Legia Warsaw
Few teams visit Dortmund and score four goals. Even fewer teams visit Dortmund, score four and go onto lose the match… By four goals! This crazy Champions League match in November saw a record-breaking 12 goals as Dortmund beat Legia Warsaw 8-4. The visitors even took the lead but found themselves 3-1 down inside 20 minutes. The first half ended 5-2, and the goals kept on coming in the second half. Absolute madness.
? OK – Adidas
We found out ourselves that Adidas are better than Nike! Our Euro boot battle pitched Adidas’ best against their US rivals Nike and their best 11 from the Euros in the summer. It was the German’s who came out victorious as the likes of Gareth Bale and Mesut Ozil fired Adidas to the win.
