We’d hate to think that our content is just pub talk, covering relatively mindless aspects of life such as whether RedBull actually does give you wings and why do my boots smell like cat pee?
Of course, to us, these things are important, but in the grand scheme of things, most people would probably say that something like a general election is more significant than reviewing how good the new Nike Vapors are (trust us, they’re good!). One regards the future of the country, while the other offers insightful and gripping information about one of the most famous boots models of all time.
So, here’s our delve into the serious stuff; politics, mixed with a football twist. The election got us thinking, if footballers, characters around the game and even organisational bodies were running in the election, what would their policies be?
If footballers were politicians what would their policies be?
Ronaldo and Messi – Increase number of shepherds in UK
Where else to start than the two best (you decide which order) footballers in the world at the moment – possibly ever? One is a serial winner who can’t stop breaking records, while the other has the footballing ability unlike any other player before him. Their policy? Increase the number of shepherds in the UK. Why? Because shepherds protect sheep… And GOATs?
David Beckham – Free fresh haircuts for everyone
If there’s one thing David Beckham likes, it’s haircuts – as our Christmas calendar over on Instagram has alluded to. He’s had a fair few. Some good, some truly horrendous. But he’s managed to pull it back from the mohawks and the cornrows to be renowned for his dapper style.
Steven Gerrard – Move football to a Velcro-based surface
Despite an illustrious career, Steven Gerrard will seemingly always now be remembered for that slip. This will be the case until he either wins the Champions League with Rangers, or finally wins the Premier League as a manager. Until then, we think the England legend would opt for football to be played on a less slippery surface.
Ashley Young – Ban birds from stadiums
No more birds, and not the attractive kind that men spend their hard-earned wages on trying to impress. After Young’s notorious bird shit faux pas, he’d surely ban any from entering stadiums.
FIFA – No policy, you vote FIFA
FIFA wouldn’t have any policies because they don’t stand for anything. They’d simply force us to vote for them and rule in a cruelly-run dictatorship. Boo FIFA.
Neymar – Legalise incest
The less said about this the better… If you know, you know.
Mo Salah – Mandatory to roll everywhere
Forget buses and cars. They’re the old ways to travel. Salah loves a roll around on the ground, so he’d opt to make rolling the default method of travel.
Wayne Rooney – Free hair transplants on the NHS
We all worry about that pesky receding hairline. But Rooney seemed to have managed to overcome old age and steer his fate away from what seemed destined to be ‘bald before 30.’ Free hair transplants for everyone! Doesn’t seem too bad.
Coleen Rooney – Increase taxes (for some)
Wayne’s better half would increase taxes for people with one certain first name… and it’s Rebecca…
Jamie Vardy – Nationalise RedBull
Speaking of Rebecca, husband Jamie is known for drinking the odd RedBull before a game, along with punching pensioners, pushing over people in wheelchairs and banging in goals on a regular basis. So, his policy? Nationalise RedBull, allow everyone to run as much as him.
Maurizio Sarri – Scrap tobacco tax
Thou shall not tax my nicotine fix.
Joey Barton – Change national language
We might have been slightly harsh on Jamie Vardy, but one person who perhaps warrants the ‘thug’ branding is Joey Barton. But his policy wouldn’t be about violence, he’d simply look to change the UK’s national language to French – a dialect he has already mastered.
Sir Alex Ferguson – Extend Brexit
Whatever SAF’s opinion on Brexit, if he was in charge he would continuously extend the deadline until he got what he wanted. Thank the footballing Gods Fergie Time is no longer a thing!
Mike Dean – Change the criminal justice system
We all know Mike Dean loves dishing out the cards. He would forget all this malarkey about arrest warrants, stop and searches etc. and simply just introduce a yellow card, red card system. Genius!
Harry Redknapp – ???
Absolutely no idea what his policy would be, but we know he’d have Niko Kranjcar, Peter Crouch and Jermaine Defoe alongside him as his staff.
Jan Venegoor of Hesselink – Limit the cost of printing
Everyone loved getting their name printed on the back of their football shirts as a kid, but maybe not poor Hesselink. He’d have had to have saved up thousands the amount Sports Direct charged per letter, so his policy would be dedicated to limiting this cost.
Gareth Bale – Golf, top-knots, Madrid – in that order
Bale would make golf the national sport, make it illegal for men to not have a top-knot and divert all Spanish flights away from Madrid.
Vinnie Jones – Footballing purge
Football’s hard man Vinnie Jones used to love a tackle. He’d bring in a purge section of the game, where any and every tackle is legal. Perhaps squeeze it in around the tenth minute. Make the opening exchanges more interesting.
Peter Crouch – Enlarge doorframes
It’s not easy being Peter Crouch. For the sake of his neck, and anyone else over the height of seven-foot, he’d add a good few inches to doorframes. Realistically this would never happen, though. We all wish we could add a few inches, but we just have to accept and deal with what we have.
Ashley Cole, John Terry and Ryan Giggs– Make multiple wives legal
Cole, Terry and Giggs would all team up in a bizarre coalition. They’d allow for multiple wives, while spending billions on an ad campaign explaining why cheating isn’t actually cheating (especially when it’s with your teammate or brother’s mrs).
N’golo Kante – Reduce military defence budget to £0
Kante would reduce the defence budget entirely and simply intercept any imminent threat to the UK himself.
